She is very hard on herself, much as I have always been. This evening she was berating herself over the next thing she feels she isn't good at, and I was doing my best to encourage her. The conversation seemed to be going down hill and I found myself getting anxious for/about her. But great revelation followed, so I am ultimately very grateful for these uncomfortable and frustrating moments.
She blurted out something about missing a soccer goal a few months ago, and one of the comments she heard one of the other soccer moms shout out at the time. I confided in her that the particular mom (and the dad) were obnoxious and the rest of the team parents didn't not appreciate the pressure they put on the girls. Still, I ache to think that this had been eating away at her confidence and self worth for months.
After some more talk, she seemed to be feeling better. I told her that there is a bit of God that only she can express to the rest of the world, and that makes her special. We are all special and unique and there is something about each of us that God has put in us to tell others something about who He is. The world needs you, I said. She seemed to get it. At bed time, she told me at Sunday school this past week a teacher said if you're not grateful, you are going to hell. "WWHHHHAAATTTT!!!!" my heart and head (and probably my mouth) screamed! She said they made them write down what they are thankful for and basically said "you'd better start being thankful". Well, that made this Mama bear very angry. I proceeded to tell her that isn't God's heart for His children at all. Jesus didn't spend his time telling everybody "if you're not grateful, I'm sending you to hell". Hell wasn't his focus at all! He didn't say "I'm going to lay down my life for you but if you don't appreciate it, you're going to hell". AND YET, haven't we all been taught this in one way, shape, or form?
I will pause the story here and tell you, if it were up to me alone my family would not be participating in organized religion any longer. However, although my husband is getting a better grasp on grace all the time, he doesn't see the potential harm "going to church" is doing to our family. It's not all bad, to be sure, but...
He blanched when I relayed this conversation to him, but then straightened up and said "that doesn't mean someone actually said that to her". I pointed out that it may not have been said in so many words, but that doesn't matter...this is the take home message that at least some of these kids are getting. (I'm sure my daughter isn't the only sensitive one, either. I already stepped in once and asked a particular teacher -- who meant well, no doubt -- to stop pressuring her to read the Bible. She was very stressed by it!) Kids know God's heart better than we give them credit for, yet we need to re-arrange it somehow and there by confuse them with religion?!?
Tying soccer and church together, it is the pressure to perform in order to be approved of that is so damaging. As I've said, I am very grateful that she would open up and reveal what's going on so that I can see what's happening in her heart.
Last Friday, I was reading a book from the American Girl series to a group of 8 and 9 year old girls at our homeschool co-op. We are reading about Addy, a fictional black girl during the civil war era. The series introduces her while she and her family are in slavery. I was so moved in reading her story, that I actually began to cry. I was very embarrassed by this at the time, but I am beginning to see the bigger picture here. In the story, Addy's father was most concerned about his daughter. He could reason things out as far as himself, his wife, his teenaged son, even his infant daughter who wasn't yet (obviously) forced to work. But the burden on his 9 yo daughter was so great, that for her sake alone he considered risking everything and making a break for freedom.
Do you see where I'm going with this? I have considered taking a sabbatical from church to try to get my own head together, but now I'm thinking it's really about my daughter's freedom. My older son doesn't seem too bruised by it all at this point, my younger daughter hasn't gotten into the poisonous teachings yet, but my middle child -- the one with the most tender heart -- is the one for whom I need to "make a break" from this.
Oh Steph, I am so glad you shared this. What a blessing to have such a sensitive daughter, though it is challenging to know how to help her at times. You are such a good mom! If only most kids had moms with a fraction of your compassion, the world would be a much better place!
ReplyDeleteI think for you and Isabel both to take a sabbatical could be a great thing. (And yes, maybe you'd never go back...) I am glad you can see where God is in all this. Love you!!
Thanks, Lionwoman! Having the support of friends like you helps me to be there for my kids! Love you too!
ReplyDeleteI wish things were more cut and dried sometimes, instead of grey. I was over at the building today briefly because of something we had previously agreed to do. I was reminded that these are wonderful people -- the problem is not with them-- its with system thinking. The woman in charge of children's ministry actually sat us down, completely off the cuff, to ask I. what she liked/didn't like about children's ministry there. I could tell I. wasn't opening up about everything, but the fact that this woman wanted to know was huge. I appreciated that. Obviously, they are seeing some problems themselves. I am going to try to compose an email to her later today and address what I wrote about, since the door is wide open all of a sudden. I didn't want to blurt it out in front of my daughter and have her feel even more put on the spot.
Quite frankly though, it would be much easier to not address anything and just walk away :-)