Am I on the right track?

I have a lot rolling around in my thoughts these days concerning God. I'm not sure how to categorize what I mean -- relationship? Spirituality? I have read alot of books and blogs and listened to a whole bunch of podcasts that have stirred me up over the past year or so. This is especially true of the past few months.

I reached a point in my walk with God about 6 or 7 years ago where I told Him I was done playing games and didn't want to be a good Christian any more. I DO wanted more of HIM. He didn't waste any time at all reaching me with His love! However some of the thing I clung to in the wake of that moment aren't even making sense to me right now. I listen to some people out there in the cyber world who seem to be so free and so sure of God's love and presence in their lives, regardless of their circumstances. I mean genuinely, not any of this phoney "look at me this is the way you're supposed to do it" stuff. At first certain podcasts I followed seemed a little too libertarian (not politically speaking) yet I kept listening and asking "what if"? These are people who many would consider heretics -- yet I have felt a pull and a certain PEACE when listening to what they have to say. Over and over when listening I am reminded of a dream God used to draw me to himself 17 or 18 years ago now. There's been a lot of water under the bridge in those many years as I endeavored to do what I thought was pleasing to the Lord.

I go to what I would consider to be a good church, yet it has it's issues -- heck, it's an institution after all! I have been so torn about how I feel about being part of organized religion for several years now. I have a family who are all part of the church so I haven't wanted to do anything that would hurt them -- although I have seriously rocked the boat now and again. I've let go of certain things that are staples of Christianity -- the things you do if you're a "good Christian" and I'm not worrying so much about the petty things that "good Christians" aren't supposed to do. (Footnote here: This is all within reason! I haven't gone completely off the deep end and I realize that some(many) things are harmful. I am still a responsible adult just not such a legalistic one!)

I know there are areas where I have probably taken too much liberty, but I have needed to in order to know that God loves me unconditionally. I pray that He won't let me go outside of His grace and that my heart will remain tuned to Him so I can respond to his gentle nudge in the right direction. He always has my best interest in mind.

But the fear....oh, the FEAR that I lived with for so long. So much of what we've been taught in Christianity is based in fear. Quite frankly, I understand why many unbelievers think we're nuts and aren't drawn to the Father and His son Jesus through the church. There are so very many control issues rooted in ANY institutional system and the church is no different. But the Church that Jesus established through his death and resurrection is something else altogether. There many true believers in the church (little c) but I believe God's work is most clearly seen outside the box, where people let go of the trappings and preconceived notions and listen for His still small voice.

So I'm in a bit of a deconstruction phase, looking forward to the time the rebuilding can begin in my life -- or perhaps it has in ways I can't even see. I know I am slogging through the basics and asking many questions right now. Prayer, tithing, reading the Bible, church attendance, all of it. What about obedience? Service? Leadership? We have all been whacked over the head with these things for so long, I don't know what to make of them. I am no anarchist, that's for sure, but I am willing to let go of anything that isn't HIM even if it makes me uncomfortable.

I have sent my 83 year old mom some of the books that have been very helpful to me. She appreciated 3 of 4 of them (after reading "The Shack" she said she was relieved to realize she's not such a rebel after all! Ha!). But the one that I enjoyed the most she didn't like at all -- she presented the issues to my sister and brother in law who agreed with her that it sounds like it's part of the emergent movement -- something my mom seems quite afraid of based on conversations we've had. Mind you, up to this point I really couldn't define what emergent was all about. As I told her, I'm not interested in the form of things or in identifying with any movement. I just want what is real, without a lot of junk loaded on top of it. Pure and simple.

To quote Toby Mac, "we are living in extreme days". This generation has little patience left with false, fake, phoney, untrustworthy, etc. Sometimes that fear comes back and I worry that I am slipping away from God, even as I read things that I think are similarly minded to me in certain areas. None of us has it all, and these various people I read and listen to each have their piece of the picture. Even where there are differences, there is a steady message of God's love and grace as the anchor of truth. One wise lady told me recently that any truth applied outside of God's love becomes law. Chew on that. How much has the church beaten people over the head with law? Yes, they may have spoken some truth and called it love but has it been? I am not trying to church bash here, I am simply wrestling and being as honest as I can be.

One thing I know is that perfect love casts out fear. If fear has driven so much of what we've done trying to please Him, then we haven't been perfected in love yet (really, I guess we won't be this side of eternity). I also know that Love isn't angry with us, He knows exactly what we are up against and that is why Jesus had to die. His birth was a "stealth operation" in the words of John Eldridge, and His death was the "antidote" for the sickness of sin, as Wayne Jacobsen has written. In Jesus' resurrection we have all that we need and we can't let religion convince us otherwise by trapping us with fear and judgement.