Little Bit O'God/Break for Freedom...

I have had too much swirling through my brain to blog lately. Tonight I think I will try to make sense of some of it. My inspiration is my daughter, who is a very sensitive and loving soul.

She is very hard on herself, much as I have always been. This evening she was berating herself over the next thing she feels she isn't good at, and I was doing my best to encourage her. The conversation seemed to be going down hill and I found myself getting anxious for/about her. But great revelation followed, so I am ultimately very grateful for these uncomfortable and frustrating moments.

She blurted out something about missing a soccer goal a few months ago, and one of the comments she heard one of the other soccer moms shout out at the time. I confided in her that the particular mom (and the dad) were obnoxious and the rest of the team parents didn't not appreciate the pressure they put on the girls. Still, I ache to think that this had been eating away at her confidence and self worth for months.

After some more talk, she seemed to be feeling better. I told her that there is a bit of God that only she can express to the rest of the world, and that makes her special. We are all special and unique and there is something about each of us that God has put in us to tell others something about who He is. The world needs you, I said. She seemed to get it. At bed time, she told me at Sunday school this past week a teacher said if you're not grateful, you are going to hell. "WWHHHHAAATTTT!!!!" my heart and head (and probably my mouth) screamed! She said they made them write down what they are thankful for and basically said "you'd better start being thankful". Well, that made this Mama bear very angry. I proceeded to tell her that isn't God's heart for His children at all. Jesus didn't spend his time telling everybody "if you're not grateful, I'm sending you to hell". Hell wasn't his focus at all! He didn't say "I'm going to lay down my life for you but if you don't appreciate it, you're going to hell". AND YET, haven't we all been taught this in one way, shape, or form?

I will pause the story here and tell you, if it were up to me alone my family would not be participating in organized religion any longer. However, although my husband is getting a better grasp on grace all the time, he doesn't see the potential harm "going to church" is doing to our family. It's not all bad, to be sure, but...

He blanched when I relayed this conversation to him, but then straightened up and said "that doesn't mean someone actually said that to her". I pointed out that it may not have been said in so many words, but that doesn't matter...this is the take home message that at least some of these kids are getting. (I'm sure my daughter isn't the only sensitive one, either. I already stepped in once and asked a particular teacher -- who meant well, no doubt -- to stop pressuring her to read the Bible. She was very stressed by it!) Kids know God's heart better than we give them credit for, yet we need to re-arrange it somehow and there by confuse them with religion?!?

Tying soccer and church together, it is the pressure to perform in order to be approved of that is so damaging. As I've said, I am very grateful that she would open up and reveal what's going on so that I can see what's happening in her heart.

Last Friday, I was reading a book from the American Girl series to a group of 8 and 9 year old girls at our homeschool co-op. We are reading about Addy, a fictional black girl during the civil war era. The series introduces her while she and her family are in slavery. I was so moved in reading her story, that I actually began to cry. I was very embarrassed by this at the time, but I am beginning to see the bigger picture here. In the story, Addy's father was most concerned about his daughter. He could reason things out as far as himself, his wife, his teenaged son, even his infant daughter who wasn't yet (obviously) forced to work. But the burden on his 9 yo daughter was so great, that for her sake alone he considered risking everything and making a break for freedom.

Do you see where I'm going with this? I have considered taking a sabbatical from church to try to get my own head together, but now I'm thinking it's really about my daughter's freedom. My older son doesn't seem too bruised by it all at this point, my younger daughter hasn't gotten into the poisonous teachings yet, but my middle child -- the one with the most tender heart -- is the one for whom I need to "make a break" from this.

A Heart of Gold

I am going to relay a story to you that is both tragic and inspiring.

I learned yesterday about a horrible accident that occurred near where I grew up, involving two motorcycles and an RV trailer being hauled by a truck. The driver of one motor cycle was killed instantly, and it turns out that he was the estranged husband of an old church friend of mine. I had never met him, but his soon to be ex-wife and I had reconnected on facebook and I'd seen pictures of him, followed the announcement and pictures of the birth of their child a year ago, and things like that. So, I was shocked when I heard about his untimely death and have had my friend and her little one on my mind a lot ever since.

The other motor cycle driver was horribly injured but alive. My nephew, who is in his thirties, was driving by with his 12 year old son. He stopped and told his boy to stay in the car, then rushed closer to the scene. There was crowd of people gathering but no-one was helping the injured man although he was calling loudly for help. A fire had broken out and an explosion was imminent. My nephew ran into that scene, yelled at another man to "get the @#$%!& over here and help", and they dragged the man to safety. At some point a few other people got involved, too. The injured man had lost half of one leg and his arm was badly mangled, along with other injuries. My nephew made some kind of turnequit for his leg and kept him talking for ten minutes until help arrived. He is being hailed as a local hero.

My nephew hasn't always been looked upon as a hero. He's had many dark times and failures in his life, including time in prison. I just saw him a few weeks ago and was very impressed by his warm heart and the loving kindness I saw beneath his sometimes tough exterior. His son means everything to him. He has floundered and struggled and is trying to get on his feet financially, but things have looked very bleak for him. Amazingly, he has been looking into becoming a volunteer fireman and the man he rescued was a fireman, unbeknownst to him.

When I heard about what he'd done to rescue this man, I wasn't surprised at all. My nephew has been through fiery trials, and his heart has become gold in the furnace. I am teary even writing this. He is proof that God works in and through "the least of these". My nephew is my hero too, and God has used this story to speak to me about His heart of love. How many of us would rush into a scene of desperation and danger to rescue a mangled, blood splattered stranger? And that is what Love does, in every sense, every day -- Jesus isn't afraid of our mess, and he doesn't just leave us to die when we are calling out for help.

I realize people do die in awful situations, just as my friend's husband did in this same incident. Yet I know that God had a hold of him and didn't abandon him even as his body died. Something greater and deeper happened that we won't understand this side of heaven, but I know God brings good mysteriously out of every situation. Love was there with him, too.

Revolution Pt. 2

OK, so now I think the book is great! Maybe in 2005 (when the book was written) people were just starting to break out in certain ways and he was laying the ground work so that doubtful readers would keep reading -- perhaps he knew they needed to hear certain things before continuing to listen to what George really had to say.

I would certainly recommend the book "Revolution" by George Barna.

Revolution?

I just started George Barna's book Revolution. I had very high hopes going in, but already in chapter 3 I feel dragged down. Am I missing something? He is talking about being a revolutionary Christ follower not confined by the walls, but I still sense a lot of legalism in what he's saying. And works. He says we must "do whatever you have to do to prove that you fear God, you love Him, and you serve Him -- yes, that you live only for Him." (pg.27) He talks about what God expects from us, mentions accountability and what is required, etc. I don't want to get all loosy goosy or into sloppy agape but just when I thought I might actually be understanding what it really means to love God, I feel a new straight jacket being put on me. There is that word "fear" again -- how can it co-exist with love?

I will keep reading, I know the book has a lot of good in it and I will just have to put some things to the side for now. As I've said before, no-one has the perfect perspective on any of this. "We see through a glass dimly..." Boy, ain't that the trueth!

I've just finished reading Pagan Christianity which Barna collaborated on with Frank Viola. I got a lot out of that book, which I believe was written more recently.

Am I on the right track?

I have a lot rolling around in my thoughts these days concerning God. I'm not sure how to categorize what I mean -- relationship? Spirituality? I have read alot of books and blogs and listened to a whole bunch of podcasts that have stirred me up over the past year or so. This is especially true of the past few months.

I reached a point in my walk with God about 6 or 7 years ago where I told Him I was done playing games and didn't want to be a good Christian any more. I DO wanted more of HIM. He didn't waste any time at all reaching me with His love! However some of the thing I clung to in the wake of that moment aren't even making sense to me right now. I listen to some people out there in the cyber world who seem to be so free and so sure of God's love and presence in their lives, regardless of their circumstances. I mean genuinely, not any of this phoney "look at me this is the way you're supposed to do it" stuff. At first certain podcasts I followed seemed a little too libertarian (not politically speaking) yet I kept listening and asking "what if"? These are people who many would consider heretics -- yet I have felt a pull and a certain PEACE when listening to what they have to say. Over and over when listening I am reminded of a dream God used to draw me to himself 17 or 18 years ago now. There's been a lot of water under the bridge in those many years as I endeavored to do what I thought was pleasing to the Lord.

I go to what I would consider to be a good church, yet it has it's issues -- heck, it's an institution after all! I have been so torn about how I feel about being part of organized religion for several years now. I have a family who are all part of the church so I haven't wanted to do anything that would hurt them -- although I have seriously rocked the boat now and again. I've let go of certain things that are staples of Christianity -- the things you do if you're a "good Christian" and I'm not worrying so much about the petty things that "good Christians" aren't supposed to do. (Footnote here: This is all within reason! I haven't gone completely off the deep end and I realize that some(many) things are harmful. I am still a responsible adult just not such a legalistic one!)

I know there are areas where I have probably taken too much liberty, but I have needed to in order to know that God loves me unconditionally. I pray that He won't let me go outside of His grace and that my heart will remain tuned to Him so I can respond to his gentle nudge in the right direction. He always has my best interest in mind.

But the fear....oh, the FEAR that I lived with for so long. So much of what we've been taught in Christianity is based in fear. Quite frankly, I understand why many unbelievers think we're nuts and aren't drawn to the Father and His son Jesus through the church. There are so very many control issues rooted in ANY institutional system and the church is no different. But the Church that Jesus established through his death and resurrection is something else altogether. There many true believers in the church (little c) but I believe God's work is most clearly seen outside the box, where people let go of the trappings and preconceived notions and listen for His still small voice.

So I'm in a bit of a deconstruction phase, looking forward to the time the rebuilding can begin in my life -- or perhaps it has in ways I can't even see. I know I am slogging through the basics and asking many questions right now. Prayer, tithing, reading the Bible, church attendance, all of it. What about obedience? Service? Leadership? We have all been whacked over the head with these things for so long, I don't know what to make of them. I am no anarchist, that's for sure, but I am willing to let go of anything that isn't HIM even if it makes me uncomfortable.

I have sent my 83 year old mom some of the books that have been very helpful to me. She appreciated 3 of 4 of them (after reading "The Shack" she said she was relieved to realize she's not such a rebel after all! Ha!). But the one that I enjoyed the most she didn't like at all -- she presented the issues to my sister and brother in law who agreed with her that it sounds like it's part of the emergent movement -- something my mom seems quite afraid of based on conversations we've had. Mind you, up to this point I really couldn't define what emergent was all about. As I told her, I'm not interested in the form of things or in identifying with any movement. I just want what is real, without a lot of junk loaded on top of it. Pure and simple.

To quote Toby Mac, "we are living in extreme days". This generation has little patience left with false, fake, phoney, untrustworthy, etc. Sometimes that fear comes back and I worry that I am slipping away from God, even as I read things that I think are similarly minded to me in certain areas. None of us has it all, and these various people I read and listen to each have their piece of the picture. Even where there are differences, there is a steady message of God's love and grace as the anchor of truth. One wise lady told me recently that any truth applied outside of God's love becomes law. Chew on that. How much has the church beaten people over the head with law? Yes, they may have spoken some truth and called it love but has it been? I am not trying to church bash here, I am simply wrestling and being as honest as I can be.

One thing I know is that perfect love casts out fear. If fear has driven so much of what we've done trying to please Him, then we haven't been perfected in love yet (really, I guess we won't be this side of eternity). I also know that Love isn't angry with us, He knows exactly what we are up against and that is why Jesus had to die. His birth was a "stealth operation" in the words of John Eldridge, and His death was the "antidote" for the sickness of sin, as Wayne Jacobsen has written. In Jesus' resurrection we have all that we need and we can't let religion convince us otherwise by trapping us with fear and judgement.

Something new.

Well, since my old blog is stagnant these days I thought I'd start something new. The other one was meant to be all about our family, but when our photo software changed and I couldn't figure out how to post pictures any more it sort of fizzled. I found that the subjects of my posts were changing anyway, and I was adding all kinds of personal/non family stuff to it, so it seemed that starting a new blog with a different tone was appropriate. So, here we go...